Desperate Times
by saint2sinners
Summary: Dedicated to Shi-chan. Iruka is close to destitute, late on his son's fees, over due on his rent and barely able to afford food. Desperate he takes a job as a maid, skirts, feather duster and all... including a perverted boss with a taste for his maids...
1. Chapter 1 Prolouge

Hey, I've redone this prolouge and am reposting it. It has a lot less errors and a few changed details. Will be posting chapter 1 by tomorrow night with an attached surprise, grin. later - Saint

AU. Yaoi. Kakairu. Flame me and I flame back and trust me Mine is bigger. Constructive criticism and comment however are more than welcome, I reply to everything. But please don't nit pick for one spelling error or verb out of place. If it's something major I welcome and appreciate it but one syntax error that doesn't disturb the flow of the story isn't going to kill anyone.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but the premise is originally Shi-chan's. I just hope she doesn't mind me borrowing it.

Dedicated to Shi-chan who gave me the idea in her amazing fic Roommates. Also that April Fools joke was cruel and brilliant, I love you writing. This is based on one of Kakashi's "Iruka Fantasies" in the back of the IchaIcha Paradise Iruka finds in Kakashi's pants.

Oh and before I forget. Iruka's 22, Kakashi's 23 and everyone in Naruto's age group I'm subtracting 4 years, i.e. Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto will all be around 10.

**Desperate times**

**Prologue: Prep Work**

It was enough for anyone who knew him, to know that Iruka was freaking out. Not the little freak out he had when Naruto was late for school; or that slightly bigger freak out when Naruto had ordered another bowl of Ramen and he wasn't sure he had enough on him to cover it, or when Principle Sarutobi called to say Naruto had gotten into another fight; or even yesterday's freak-out when he'd gotten his first "second due notice" on Naruto's term payments. No, this was what his friends knew as a freak out of epic proportions or as Anko liked to call it a _'Duck and Cover'_.

He was pacing and screaming and ranting and waving his arms. He was carving a groove into the old, dismissible wooden floors of the apartment and they were pretty sure Mrs. Takati downstairs was gonna start complaining the second she turned on her hearing aid. He was storming randomly through the small crowded apartment aiming for any space not occupied by clothing, wigs and furniture and then just making a general nuisance of himself.

Kotetsu had given up trying to get him back into the old barber's chair Izumo had found him at a flea market. Now he had taken the seat and was currently trying to read the day's newspaper, still holding the styling scissors in his hand. Izumo was taking a proactive approach, removing all breakable objects that Iruka got near in their little apartment before the waving and flinging arms could attack it. He would walk just behind him and an arm would snake out and snatch the object before destruction would occur, he'd then lightly toss is to Anko before resuming the trail. Anko was chewing on the end of a pokki stick. In between sticks she'd grab the tossed objects out of the air before lining them up on the Kitchen counter. She'd also blocked Iruka from getting into the small buttercup yellow kitchen by dragging a stool between the dividing counter and the wall and threatening to kick him when he came near.

After a few minutes Iruka seemed to have freaked himself out and collapsed on the sofa. He leaned over placing his head between his knees and began to breath as deeply as possible. The others shared a wry look between themselves. Izumo, being the most compassionate of the three strolled over to perch on the back of the couch.

"You know Iruka, we all know you're going to do this eventually. So just give up and give in. Remember who's babysitting that menace of yours. The longer it takes to get this done, the longer Naruto's with Jiraiya-san, and I hear he's already started on his new book.

He placed a hand on Iruka's shoulder for comfort in time to feel the twitch at Jiraiya's name.

Iruka sighed and sat up leaning his head against the old worn sofa. "Alright, but he's not making me blonde and not painting my nails, Naruto still going to see me in the evenings and mornings and I need to look normal.

Kotetsu grinned before standing up with an exasperated sigh tossed back over his shoulder, "Fine, now come over here and let me work my magic." He paused for a second, "Does that mean you're considering the fake tits?"

He waved a hand at the general physical cacophony that was laying on the floor and took up most of the space to the left of barber seat towards Izumo's small collection of fake breast. He had a full range according to what event the club was hosting. It was little touches like that that made Izumo one of the most sought after Okama's in the city. That and the fact that as his lover and the clubs make up and hair stylist, Kotetsu always made sure to do a little more for him than the other hosts.

As Iruka settled again into the chair and let Kotetsu spray some light water on his hair before he began to trim it while Izumo walked back to the kitchen to both replace all the moved breakable objects as well as check in the small shopping bag that they had gotten.

"I still don't see why if you willing to drag you don't just come work with us in the Temple? With your looks and those legs you'd have men drooling all over you."

Iruka sighed," We've been through this already. The money will be more stable if not better working in a house and it sounds better to tell the social worker 'I'm employed in the maintenance of the Hatake family mansion than I'm the not-so slutty door-whore Okama at a _The Temple Doors_ night club. Besides the hours are better for raising a child and you have to agree Naruto needs as much adult supervision as possible."

They could all defiantly agree to that and Anko grimaced as she remembered Naruto 'borrowing' her snakes for show and tell without taking the cages with or letting her know. Iruka had reached freak out level 3 with just the phone call and without mercy had handed the boy over to Anko for punishment. The monster was stuck earning odd job money for Pokki for two months.

She viably shuddered at what he'd done to the Pokki first, "Please, if you call it, it will come and I am not going to try and control that demon of yours in this kind of a mess."

Iruka raised a hand to scratch at his scar in embarrassment but Kotetsu's hand slapped it always before his finger could reach the scar. They were waiting to see how well the make up covering his scar would last over a couple of hours.

"He's not that bad, he just gets bored and then he gets…"

"Dangerous?"

"Possessed?"

"Punishable by law?"

Iruka glared in the mirror for the last add-in from the stylist behind him. "I was going to say playful. Anko, Izumo you know we were worse when we were younger."

Anko got up form he chair to walk over to the growing huddle, "Yes but we were seventeen and up. Little demon's nine."

She grinned at Iruka in the mirror before swallowing the last of the Pokki stick. "Actually, remind me to tell the brat some stories, might give him some ammo for next time you're in preaching mode. That or give him some new ideas."

Three voices calming and in unison chimed in a firm and direct, "No." Before going back to preparations for the following day.

A few hours later Iruka held the suit bag containing his uniform in one arm and everything he'd need to reproduce the make up effect in another. He was standing by the door getting last minute advice from his two more feminine friends.

"…and remember don't shave if you can avoid it, when the hair starts coming back buy a kit and let us know and we'll help you with the waxing again."

Iruka grimaced and felt the skin on his legs still tingle. Mrs. Trelawney form downstairs had come up to complain about the screaming, without her hearing aid even on. Iruka waited till she left than tried to kill Kotetsu with the remaining hot wax. His friend had insisted on waxing _everywhere_. He shouldn't be walking this funny without at least dinner and movie. When he'd worked the clubs he shaved, but _not_ everywhere! Mizuki hadn't liked it.

Kotetsu spotted the grimace and could guess what was going through Iruka's mind.

"And no cheating! No razors and don't do it yourself. This is what friends who studies somotology are there for. Just make us dinner that night and we'll call it even."

It was a well known fact that the couple suffered from an inability to cook anything edible and were, on occasion, in danger of either starvation or death from high junk food intake. Iruka's dinners was their only savor.

Anko had gone down stairs to pick up Naruto a few minutes ago and now the boy was standing in the hallway swaying slightly from sleepiness. Iruka hid the bags behind his back before nudging the small boy towards the staircase to their upstairs apartment. Unlike the others who each took up half the floor in the small apartment building the loft apartment took up the entire top floor. It was also missing anything resembling walls, had pigeons nesting in the gutters and noisy pipes rattled when ever someone in the building flushed a toilet. It was however in his price range, big enough for the two – a few dividing screens saw to privacy-, near his three best friends and had a lovely view of the park across the street through a wall which had at some point been replaced with cold glass who's windows could no longer open.

Naruto hugged his two 'uncles' and 'aunt' goodnight with a wide yawn before trotting up the single staircase to their floor. Iruka waited for him to disappear from view before turning back to quietly thank his friends for their help in his getting ready for the new job. He turned to thank his friend who'd gotten him the new job to find her missing and her apartment door across the hall wide open.

Turning back to wish the others goodnight he found a grinning Izumo holding out his arms with an object in each. Really a pair of objects in each.

"So what's it gonna be Iruka, C-cup or D?"

Iruka went blood red before beginning to stutter and back away from the offending articles until he felt a sharp weight land on his shoulder. He looked down to see two simple white padded bra's lying over said shoulder. With no wonder for the braziers to bra it would make him seem like and A-cup…a small A-cup...but still a cup.

He sagged in very visible relief before wishing Anko good night and promising to meet her downstairs tomorrow to go into work together. Jiraiya had said he would see to getting Naruto to school on time. If Iruka though about it he would have liked to think it was out of pure generosity, such as his leniency on the late rent this month; or affection for Naruto shown by his usual willingness to baby-sit the boy. But in all honesty is was probably the need to get close enough to school grounds to ogle hot mothers, sexy teachers and almost legal teenage girls for so-called 'data-gathering'. Hence Iruka tried not to think about it.

The four said goodnight again and Iruka trudged upstairs to tuck Naruto and then himself into bed.

As the three remaining friends watched Iruka disappear into the doorway at the top of the creaky stairs Kotetsu sighed, "I still say he should have gone for the C-cups."

Anko walked back across the hall to her apartment throwing over her shoulder, "Believe me, all the maids know better, Kakashi's a complete pervert and you don't want him noticing that sort of thing."

End Prologue

Okama – Japanese drag Queen. Not necessarily gay. Usually work in restaurants and clubs as hosts and entertainers. Unlike Western Drag Queens the aim is to look as much like a woman as possible and not go to the extremes of representing women.


	2. Chapter 2

"I really don't think—ahh! Hey! Put that explosive tag down and step away from the porn _right now!_"…Kakashi to Iruka in MeeLee's **Tears, Blood and Fluff Bunnies**

The first thing I need to do now is apologize. It's been long overdue this update and I won't lie about why Honestly, this was a difficult chapter for me, and sitting down and starting was a problem. For a range of reasons that are serious and important and delayed things yes but mostly because, well, I kinda don't pay attention to time and forget how long it's all. Also I have confidence issues with my writing. My head says I can do it but my heart's not so sure and that is where the motivation or lack therefore comes from. I didn't know, and to be honest still don't, if I could get what's in my head to the page and only hope you as readers can accept my apology for this being long overdue.

Please review if you can just to let me know what you think, if it worked and maybe make me smile. I'd appreciate it.

**Desperate times**

**Chapter 1: A bad first impression**

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Chapter 1

Twelve years ago the virus had come out of nowhere.

They called it an epidemic in the news, the people called it a plague. Airborne and vicious the nine different strains evolved to killed in days without help, causing burning fever, blistering and breaking skin and then organ failure. With medical attention and care, you'd be lucky to last few months. They didn't know where it came form or why but the fire nation officials quarantined Konoha city, leaving them to save themselves or to die out, taking the virus with them. Internally the city applied the same tactic, needing to survive long enough to find a cure, needed to implement a merciless emergency state. Any neighborhood with a sign of the virus was tested, evacuated then quarantined. Sealed into their homes by plastic domes and rubber screens. Those inside knew the others waited only to retrieve the dead and burn the corpses.

The flames in the mass graves licked the skies as the Kyuubi virus claimed household after house hold.

They found a few that although not immune, were resistant. Children and the young, their developing bodies reacting and coating their lungs to prevent the virus infecting them that way and forcing infection though body fluids and nothing else. It was no cure but the children lasted longer, long enough to give one man an idea, and with the city in quarantine there was no one there to damn his research for breaking international law with his experiments.

He experimented with his sperm and donor cells. Creating a few cells of life that he'd bid in a losing fight with the virus again and again until he finally solved the problem, found the missing piece. Genetically manipulating and cloning zygote after zygote. Studying the resistance of the cell until he was sure enough of his answer to allow the mass of cells to grow and build a child, his son. Nine long months of death and fear developing a single baby, purposely infected from the moment it's first cell split apart and with a man-made immunity, a collection of antibodies to fight the demon virus.

Antibodies that were harvested replicated and reproduced. Tested on dying human subjects, curing eight of the nine strains, defending and saving Konoha and it's people. All of it lay at the feet of their hero, their savior, their martyr. His son's blood saved thousands of people, cured eight of the strains and all it had cost was for Minato Namikaze to inject himself with the rarest strain, to have the virus in his seed as his baby was created and born. And to hold his son and name him with the last of his strength, knowing the drops of blood would never harm his people or son ever again.

Now, nearly a decade later all samples of the Kyuubi virus have been destroyed and whipped out, all except the ones in the babies blood. The despised baby boy, still inflicted if not infective was sent to live the first segment of his life in an orphanage, often overlooked, despised and unwanted. His egg donor's last name used to list and hide him and what he kept trapped within, a very public secret.

Dr Minato, Konoha Research department's yellow flash - made a life to save all lives except his own. But his little Naruto-chan would be safe…his most precious person.

XXXXX

His bed room was huge. Messy carpets lay across the floor thick and plush and smelling of dog. The French doors leading outside to the garden were pushed ajar as the dogs trotted out, knowing elsewhere on the large property breakfast was almost ready. Their master lay dozing in a four poster bed, orange book at the foot of the large feather duvet

After a few short minutes a hand poked from beneath the thick grey comforter, followed by a slim body and thistle thatch head pouring itself to the only empty spot of floor near and Kakashi, eyes still mostly closed navigated his way through piles of dirty clothes, magazines, moldy plates and every other type of rubbish to the bathroom door, even hopping over a small pile of computer bits and ancient hard drives. There was a flush and the sounds of water splashing in the sink and then the body slouched back through the labyrinth his feet learned from necessity alone, the glint of sun coming in through the few open curtains in the mammoth villa windows before crouching and jumping back into bed, the comforted shoved, tugged and maneuvered to cover the lanky form again and sinking and settling back into the feather mattress.

A few minutes later Kakashi heard the door open and Kabuto's sigh of exasperation and snort at the terrible smells of the room, his adopted little brother not even bothering to comment or try and wake Kakashi up, just grabbing the portable hard drive with the new program data on it, before leaving for Anbu securities, Kakashi's branch of the family business. The sun was up, people were at work and Hatake Kakashi ignored it all as he lay, drooling and dreaming. Even in his sleep his hands found the book and dragged it close to his chest and his mind returned to the kitchen table with the suppressed brunette with the knockout legs, bongo-drum boobs and gorgeous god-given ass – the shy minx of the latest IchaIcha was defiantly becoming Kakashi's favorite.

XXXXX

Tsunade was having a _bad_ day.

No, _bad_ was last month when the fifth maid that year had quit. After she realized that spreading her legs wherever and whichever way Kakashi wanted wasn't getting her a ring on her finger or a golden bun in the oven, the big booty, gold digging cow was a filing sexual harassment lawsuit against the family that would have to be quietly settled before it got out of hand.

_Bad_ was last week when the last of the employment agencies in Konoha ended a screaming match with her by calling her a old harpy and slamming the phone and refusing to accept any calls back regardless of how much money she was promising them.

Yesterday was a _bad_ day when Kabuto told her he would be having guests over for a business dinner five rooms down from the growing dump site housing half a dozen dogs and that…that…that…_hog._ Ton ton's instinct pinged at the foul thought to his general species and he decided it was a good time to follow the dogs in the breakfast hunt, slipping out the only small window there.

_Bad_ was getting a phone call from her ecchi ex-husband for the first time in ages at midnight, the old fool begging her to tell him exactly what the laws prohibit him doing around school girls. The very thought making her glad for quick divorce lawyers and midnight sake in her bedroom fridge. She loved Jiraiya, always would….it didn't mean she had to live with the man let alone put up with his lunacy and jail bait addictions.

_Today was not a bad day_. Tsunade's fist clenched as she thought of the last visit to that pit of filth and rotting leftovers even the dogs wouldn't eat. She thought of why it had become a dumpsite, the refusal of every maid on property refusing to get near it or it's occupant for the last month for fear of her perverted, sloppy and lazy godson. The only reason the bathroom stayed relatively clean was the frequent spray form the shower when he couldn't even be bothered to close the door. At least he wasn't one of those bath once a week fools. She'd broken that mindset at least when he was twelve…she'd find a way to fix his wandering hands and dick, even if she had to remove the later with her bare scalpel…

In the pale morning light, with the weight of the last month on her hands and a growing twitch in her eye and forehead BAD was five degrees too soft for the kind of day she was having. Anyone who tried anything today with her was signing their own death warrant. Non-negotiable.

There was however a silver lining. A new maid. A new maid who knew nothing about Kakashi and his perversions. A new maid that Anko assured her needed the job badly enough to sign the clause in the new contract waving her right to sue...or quit, for the first six month at least. Anko, has second in command of the family and company's head's personal security task force had also provided the full background ready and waiting for the two percent of Tsunade's brain who considered finding out if the new employee was or was not a homicidal maniac an important detail in dealing with the _hog's pit of doom_.

_Umino Iruka, Age 23, born to Umino Miruko and Umino Haruhi._

_Orphaned age 12 by the Kyuubi Virus. Raised in the Konoha State Orphanage. The file was packed with glowing recommendations and commendations by the care takers and state workers addressed to various universities and colleges for entrance Applications. Graduated high school with outstanding marks, won a scholarship to several institutions but chose a less prestigious, local teaching collage at age 18. Dropped out of college half way though her final year age 21 to _

- and Tsunade knew that this had to have been written up by Anko personally… and that Umino must one of those rare friends Anko claimed on occasion to have hidden away somewhere –

…_support and pay for the studies of her deadbeat, no talent, selfish, immature, cowardly, asshole of a now ex boyfriend._

_A month following her drop out of collage Umino-san had filed adoption papers for one Uzamaki Naruto age 8. Adoption was approved. She and her son now live alone in a loft apartment and her son is enrolled at the exclusive Konoha Shinobi Academy, responsible for turning out the computer agents and security experts for the city._

The letters Anko had had faxed from their contact at the university all painted Umino out to be pleasant, friendly and very open minded. If all goes well they might get a new maid for the next year or so, or at least until Kakashi managed to screw it up with his perverted books, perverted conversations, following them around, commenting on their underwear and generally doing things that should land him in jail. Tsunade's fist clenched, snapping the steel pen in her hand as the tick returned and her blood pressure rose. The brat was almost as bad as Jaraiya sometimes, it was providence Kakashi was too young to remember her brief marriage to the voyeur.

Tsunade took a deep breathe to calm herself. She needed a drink. A big one, to bad it was early in the morning and her assistant refused to take the locks off the liquor cabinet till three. Maybe she could send someone out to the liquor store quickly. That might work. One of the gardeners maybe?

The cream phone on her desk began to ring before she could chase the thought any further. She answered it with an abrupt, "What?"

"Tsunade-san, Anko-san has arrived with the new maid. Would you like to meet her or would you like me to see to the matter for you."

Tsunade sighed, "Send them in Shizune."

"At once Tsunade-san."

***

Iruka was terrified, he hadn't been this scared since the night Mizuki-

…_he stopped the thought before it ended. That wasn't important anymore, it wasn't their lives and wouldn't be ever again. It was the past and thoughts for it were in the past…._

He shifted tugging on a corner of the overly short skirt. Even when hosting he hadn't worn anything this short, that was more Izumo's thing and now having to wear it to an interview that could decide Naruto and his future, it was making him nervous. It had been the only one Anko could get in his size, his legs were long and there just wasn't time or money to get it to a tailor to fix.

A skirted, purple maids uniform with white frills and pink panties. He felt ridiculous that they had specified the color underwear required and with a skirt this short he was going to have to be very careful when he bent over to avoid flashing himself to the world. God why did they have to name a panties color…even then why pink! Wasn't the fixation with these maids uniforms supposed to be about white panties? This felt so very very weird.

He tugged on it again, feeling it riding up his thigh and Anko, following behind him, slapped his hand away before they walked through the simple green oak doors following after the house manager's secretary. On the other side was a simple room with cream carpet, green curtains and a low Japanese table littered with papers and other office gear. Near the desk was a water dish and basket labeled TonTon and balancing on a pile of paper work, on the corner nearest him was a half opened laptop. All across the room were several empty tea and sake glasses left where they lay and a near dead fern sat in the corner.

On the opposite side of the desk, sat an attractive woman, looking to be mid thirties, wearing a simple white and green outfit, very little of the cloth covering an ample bosom which rushed a blush to his cheeks and made him swallow in amazement. She had blond hair, a blue diamond tattoo on her forehead and a bust to make playboy centerfolds weep in jealousy. She sat with a wry smile and her arms crossed in front of her as she eyeballed him.

Iruka swallowed again, harder this time and prayed his makeup wasn't running form the sweat on his forehead.

The dark haired woman who'd shown them in quickly introduced them again before leaving, closing the door behind her. Iruka took a deep breath to calm himself down before giving her a bright smile and bowing in greeting.

"Good morning. You must be Tsunade-sama, you have my most sincere thanks for giving me this opportunity. I can't tell you how much I appreciate-"

After the initial thanks Tsunade didn't hesitate to cut him off. "Polite, I like that but I do hope you have a bit of back bone to you. You'll need it round here." Her eyes darted to the snorting Anko as the amused woman pulled her pokki box out for a snack and grinned at the back of Iruka's head at her boss' comment. Tsunade guessed there must be something more to the mouse then it appeared….maybe… "You've had protocol and procedure explained to you?"

Iruka's smile wavered as he was thrown off balance but her abrupt manner and direct questioning. Not one for frivolous small talk then. He wsn't used to that and it admittedly through him a bit off. "H-Hai Tsunade-sama"

Tsunade leaned forward over her desk, her ample cleavage threatening to spring out at any moment, by some instinct he leaned back even though he knew the desk and their distance was between him and that mega-bust. Instinct disagreed about the woman's clenched fingers and the blood red nails being equally safe beyond the desk. "And the contract, you've read it and agree?"

Iruka was startled at the eagerness that fed her voice and his instincts started tingling. He was starting to feel like a little fish inching closer to a worm on a big damn hook. Even so he ignored them wholly. He had no choice too. His son was worth any threat least of all a predatory woman in a mansion. Besides he was being silly, what could happen in such a big rich household? Right now a paycheck was more important than all the instincts in the world. "H-hai Tsunade-sama, I've already filled in the paperwork you sen-"

Tsunade was almost twitching with excitement as she grabbed the brown file with the documents from Iruka's outstretched hands and after checking the signatures, tucked them away under her desk. Shizune could file them later but for now she wanted to know they were out of the poor girl's hands and valid.. She'd read the contract, she'd agreed she had no problem, and thanks to the laptop mike Tsunade had activated before the girl came in, Tsunade had that agreement recorded. According to the legal department that's all she would need to have the clause backed up by the courts. She quickly started tearing through the papers on her desk looking for where she'd put the finalized contract, with the added and rather specific…restrictions… and a pen.

The near manic grin combined with the crazy eyes made Iruka waver for a second. He knew from past experience anyone who wasn't drunk, high or had a natural predisposition for _'the crazy_' shouldn't grin like that. Still he took the pen and signed his life away. He needed this. Sandaime-san, Naruto's principle had compromised. Iruka had told him about the job and he'd agreed to get the school to push back tuition for a month's amnesty. Yes it would been Naruto would only get his results a month into the holidays at the end of the school year but he'd make it to the end of the school year. All on the condition of Iruka getting this job right now, he _needed_ this job.

The signed paper was snatched away and for a moment he thought this woman, with her piranha grin, would push it down her cleavage for safe keeping. She merely put it in a drawer. Standing to step around the desk and shake his hand.

"Anko will take you to your supplies and take you to the room. You're _only_ duties are to clean and care for the Kakashi's room and things. Keep it clean and keep it tidy. That's it…that includes his dogs." Tsunade looked into his eyes and the predatory gaze faded as her face grew solemn, "His thing's Iruka…not him….him you don't have to take care of, not in any way understand?"

She didn't wait for a response choosing to open the door instead her back to them as she spoke the last words, "Welcome to our _family_ Iruka."

Iruka smiled weakly at her, funny he'd never hear anyone make family rhyme with _hell_… They stepped out the door and he watched her grin again at him as she closed it, the final click followed by a rousing cry of joy form behind that wooden door stopping him and making him wonder about his newly formed pinion of the wo- his boss. His new boss….it was a little bewildering really.

Anko nudged her best friend, grinning at his reaction to the first taste of the Hatake madhouse. "Come-on, I'll take you to the room….if you're unlucky you'll meet Kakashi too."

The woman crunched down on her pokki and wandered off, happy that things went so quickly and she'd be able to get back to her own work. All the good Karma she was racking up maybe Ibiki would be sans leather coat when she got to the office…yum..


End file.
